There Is Warmth, Finally
by Ling-Yao-In-A-Mini-Skirt
Summary: A case shows a side of Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr Rafael Barba and Nick Amaro have never seen before. As Sonny tries to convince a young woman to press charges against her rapist he reveals part of his past he has tried hard to forget.
1. Chapter 1

The case was one they'd all seen before:

The victim was a young college student; female.

Raped after being administered a date-rape drug by an older, popular student.

She refused to press charges out of shame but her friends had come to Benson and her team, asking for help they pleaded for their assistance.

"She isn't the only one this has happened to." One of the girls had said. "I've spoken to other girls in our year and they all refuse to tell the police. They think he won't get caught."

These girls wanted justice for their friend and for all the other girls that had been raped and assaulted by this guy.

"It was James Allen." They told Benson and her team.

An older student who was insanely popular amongst the campus; handsome and charismatic, smart and rich.

"What a cliché." Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr quipped in a deadpanned tone, he looked over the files they had collected for the case so far with a frustrated gaze.

"Doesn't make it any less important Carisi." Olivia Benson said, the Sarge walked up behind him and arched her eyebrow in his direction.

Sonny's cheeks blazed red and stuttered.

"That's not – I wasn't – "

"We know." Laughed Amanda Rollins. "Calm down boy."

Sonny threw a mock glare her way.

"We're meeting with the victim today." Benson told the squad. "Amaro and Carisi – I want you two to go down to her apartment and try and get as much out of her as you can."

"Yes Sarge." Sonny was glowing almost – seeing this as his chance to prove his worth in a way.

"Barba will be going with you." Olivia added.

Nick Amaro nodded.

Sonny followed the darker skinned man when he left the office to meet with AD Rafael Barba.

* * *

"I can't." The girl all but screamed.

Sarah Duke was the girl who had been date-raped, the start of the case that was proving harder than they thought it would be.

"If I testify against him I – I'll be a laughing stock, people will call me a slut who cried rape."

"No one will think that – "Nick tried to argue gently but Sarah laughed, her voice void of emotion of any kind.

"You people don't understand!" She cried. "You work with rape victims, sure, but you don't actually know what it's like. The aftermath, the pain, the shame. You couldn't possibly understand! How could you! I can't testify! It's not that I don't want to – I just can't." Sarah's voice broke, sobs racked her body but she pushed Amaro away when he tried to touch her.

Barba sighed, he tried to think of something to say that would calm the young women down.

He opened his mouth as if to say something reassuring but Carisi beat him to it.

"You're afraid – afraid he won't get jail time and afraid if he doesn't, he'll come after you. You're afraid of people telling you that you 'wanted' it, that you 'deserved' it."

Sarah lifted her head up, her eyes were hopeful but her shoulders still tense as if waiting to be hit.

"I – "Sonny gulped, things came rushing to his mind he hadn't thought about it years.

Sonny walked over to the distressed girl and kneelt in front of her.

"I do understand."

Sarah felt her shoulders fall, her gaze softened as the young face of the SVU detective looked so very much like hers.

"What do you mean?" She asked attentively.

Barba and Nick shared a confused, worried look as Sonny flexed his muscles nervously and cleared his throat.

"When I was – I – in High School I slept around a lot – girls, boys…I didn't care. But in – when I got into college I found a steady boyfriend, someone who actually liked me and didn't want to sleep with me and I was really happy."

Sarah smile at that, loving the smile that found its way to the detective's weary lips.

"But in my second year I – me and my friends went out to some club to celebrate something I don't even remember now but – there'd been this guy in one or two of my classes that always – I was always creeped out by him and I didn't know why, he hadn't done anything, we barely talked actually. But this night – I went home early, my boyfriend and I had a fight...We were yelling at each other outside the bar and I screamed that I was going home. The guy from my class followed me. And when I was in my apartment, he knocked on the door and I let him in. We talked for a few hours, he kept flirting with me and I was angry, so I let him. I didn't even realise he was getting me drunk."

Sonny was sitting next to Sarah at this point, his hands clasped over hers in a comforting manner.

Amaro was sitting on the desk by the wall, his hand over his mouth and his eyes angry and deep; wondering how horrible things could happen so easily in the world.

"I was drunk." Sonny continued. "And I – he raped me"

Nick had to look away but Barba look on, he didn't want Carisi to think he was disgusted by what he heard.

"I didn't press charges. I didn't tell anyone. I – Sarah, I was afraid. I was afraid he'd say I wanted it, I knew he'd say I was drunk and I wanted to sleep with him. I didn't say no, I was too shocked to say anything but I knew I didn't want it to happen, but I thought that wasn't good enough. I was afraid someone would bring up how many people I'd slept with and call me a slut who wanted what I got. I've never told anyone this before, Sarah."

"What happened to your boyfriend?" Sarah asked.

"I broke up with him." Sonny answered. "I felt dirty and I felt like I had cheated on him."

"What about the man who – ra – who did that to you?"

Sonny hesitated, his gaze wandered over Nick and Barba to see if they looked as disgusted as he felt.

But they didn't.

Nick looked angry, he looked like he wanted to punch the wall while Barba looked thoughtful but his eyes were narrowed much like Nick's were.

"He got away with it." Sonny said. "Like I said, I didn't tell anyone. I saw him from time to time, he threatened he'd hurt me if I told anyone so I didn't. I was afraid. He – His name was Brandon – he was shot a few years back, he became a policeman and he was shot. He was honoured, they decorated a rapist. And I could have stopped that. But I didn't."

Sonny's eyes caught Sarah's, his eyes soft and his smile sad.

"You have the power to save so many other people from this guy, you have the power to expose this guy for what he really is. A rapist."

Sarah felt something strange swirl in the pit of her stomach. Determination. Newfound strength. She felt powerful for the first time for a very long time.

"I'll testify." Sarah whispered. "I'll press charges and go to court. But only if you promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"You have to promise me James will be put away for good."

"Once we get all the other girls he's assaulted and raped to testify, that fucker will never see the light of day again."

There was strength in Detective Carisi's voice, promise lacing his tone and his gaze which seemed to stare into Sarah's very soul.

They were kindred spirits, Sarah resolved, they understood each other and together they could convince the other girls on the campus to press charges and no one would suffer at the hands of James Allen again.

"Will you help me?" Sarah felt like a child, she felt small and fragile but there was something screaming at her saying she was anything but. She was strong and she had power, she had the power to help other people.

"You don't need my help." Sonny smiled but nodded nonetheless. "But, of course I will."

* * *

"You should have told us." Nick felt the need to say when the case was finished.

"What?" Sonny was shocked to say the least, he'd never been in the business to tell anyone anything too personal about him out of fear of judgement.

"You know, about what happened to you – in college." Nick explained thinking Sonny just didn't know what he was talking about. "It's obvious man, you're still haunted by it. We – I know we tease you but we are family here."

"I – Amaro, it's not that I don't trust you." Sonny sighed. "I – I didn't even tell the person I loved what happened. And besides, how do I just bring it up? 'Oh hey guys by the way, I was raped in college. I was drunk and invited the rapist into my home and flirted with him. What a crazy kid I was!' Really Nick?"

Nick stared at Carisi, thinking his words over and realising very quickly that the young detective blamed himself for what had happened.

"What? Carisi – "

"How many cases of rape have you worked, detective?" Barba's voice filtered in behind them.

The young men turned their heads to stare at the older DA, his face dark and once again, very thoughtful.

"Couldn't say, counsellor." Sonny heard himself mumble, suddenly feeling like he was cornered. "A lot."

"Right and how many of those rape victims have been at fault?"

"I'm not a child that needs to be lectured!" Sonny snapped, he knew what Barba was trying to say but he couldn't let himself be treated like an idiot child.

"Just answer the question." Barba insisted.

"Counsellor," Sonny practically growled.

"Detective."

"You don't understand!" Sonny finally exploded.

Nick stepped towards the younger man, hands out in a comforting action but Carisi flinched away.

"I let – I slept with everyone but Brandon – that's what he told me. I deserved it, damn it! I invited him into my apartment and flirted with him and let him kiss me and it went too far and I bailed. Something happened that I didn't want and I acted like a spoilt brat."

"Something happened that you didn't want." Nick repeated. "He wanted to have sex with you and you didn't want to have sex with him. He raped you. It wasn't your fault that he couldn't take no for an answer."

"I didn't say no." Sonny whispered sadly.

"You kicked him off, didn't you?" Nick asked.

Carisi nodded.

"You tried to push him off?"

Carisi nodded again.

"Then you said no. It's not all about words, actions are obvious signs of what you want. And you didn't want that to happen. It wasn't your fault."

Sonny stuffed his hands in his pant pockets, he shuffled his feet on the ground and looked at his feet for a split second before looked up. Nick and Barba were stood a few feet from each other in front of the blonde man.

"Why do I feel like I need to apologise?" Sonny tried to joke.

"Don't." Nick smiled a bit. "Not your fault."

"Now you're just repeating yourself." Sonny laughed and it didn't sound hollow.

"I'm not supposed to tell you but Liv is inviting everyone to a bar – buying us dinner too – to celebrate how amazing you were on this case." Nick attentively reached a hand up to place on Carisi's shoulder.

Sonny noticed the hesitation and smiled slightly.

"I'm not made of glass Nick, you can touch me without thinking I'll have a break down."

"I'm sorry."

"So is the Sarge actually throwing a party for me?"

"Basically. She thinks you deserve it – and you do because you were amazing."

Barba slapped Carisi on the back and grinned.

"Come on detective, Olivia does hate waiting."

Sonny smiled. He watched the older, shorter man throw him a grin, grab his black coat and leave.

"Sonny,"

It felt strange hearing Nick say his name.

"You are one strong son-of-a-bicth." The awe and pride in Nick's voice made Sonny blush.

An arm came up to wrap around Sonny's shoulders, he was pulled to Nick's chest and they walked together to the bar where Liv bought Sonny a drink, where Amanda hugged Sonny and said 'you did good' like only a sister could, where Fin patted his back and promised him free drinks for life, where Barba smiled fondly and proudly at the young man who went through so much and didn't tell anyone.

Nick kept an arm around Sonny and he felt warm for the first time in a very long time.


	2. Chapter 2

Barba had not brought up Sonny's confession, nor had Nick as Sonny himself had not mentioned it since that night before the team met at the bar. It had been months since the James Allen rape case and Sonny Carisi had not spoken to either man about his past and they didn't push it, they knew they couldn't.

Sonny hadn't been plagued by thoughts of his rape for years; he was 20 when it had happened and he was now a 25 year old SVU detective, he couldn't afford to be kept up at night thinking about the past and then being tired and off-game at work.

There was a part of him that was angry about exposing his shame but another part of him knew he did it for the right reason, he did what he couldn't five years ago – put a rapist away and stop him from hurting other people.

* * *

A case was brought to the team; a young woman was raped (older than Sarah and Sonny had been when It had happened to them) by a serial rapist who would not admit to his crime. His name was Richard Carr, a 45 year old rich white man (another cliché, Rollins had quipped to Sonny) and he stood by his argument that the young women and men he raped 'wanted' it.

"It was completely consensual." Richard declared with his shit-eating grin and sharp eyes. "All those young men and women were of age and consented to sleeping with me. I'm rich, you know that detective, and when I didn't give these greedy people money they played the rape card."

Benson had given Carisi the duty to interrogate the man as he was the youngest of all her squad and therefore fit the rapists MO for his victims.

' _He'll talk to you.' Olivia had said. 'He'll want to brag about his victims to you.'_

Sonny hoped that was true because at the moment Richard didn't seem to be wavering. He sat in his chair grinning at Sonny with a predatory curve of lips, his eyes raked down the young detective's body and Sonny grimaced.

"Are you attracted to young people?" Sonny asked with mock innocence.

Amanda, Fin and Olivia watched on as Richard's eyes darkened with interest.

"But of course, they're so lively to be around and so naïve." He answered.

"Makes it easier to rape them, doesn't it?" Sonny grit out, his lips were curled and his hands tightly clasped in front of him on the table.

"I didn't rape anyone." Richard laughed. "They didn't get what they wanted and they cried rape."

"You're still sticking by that story?"

"It's the truth detective – Carisi, was it? It's a shame we had to meet under such horrible circumstances, I would have loved to have taken you out."

Fin scoffed on the other side of the glass, his arms crossed and his eyebrows raised in amusement.

"What's this guy thinking?" He asked Amanda and Olivia. "He's being interrogated for rape charges and he's flirting with a detective?"

"He thinks he's smarter than us." Olivia said with pursed lips. "He thinks he can play us."

"Yeah well I don't usually go out with rapists." Sonny hissed angrily.

"It's a good thing I'm not a rapist." Richard grinned again.

Something in Sonny's gut told him what to do next; his face softened and he leant across the metal table seductively.

"Fuck, I know man." The young detective said in a stage like whisper. "You just – they just weren't givin' you want you wanted, that's all."

"What?" Richard gulped, his posture changed as Sonny let his body go limp and sexual almost.

"That's why you slept with them because you knew they'd want it after you started." Sonny explained. "They were playing hard to get because us young people – we don't know what's good for us. We don't listen to our elders like we should."

Richard leant across the same, his body much the same as Sonny's, until their noses were practically touching.

"How many men have you let take you?" Richard growled in a way Sonny guessed was supposed to be sexual.

"Too many." Sonny glanced at the mirror, his eyes telling his colleagues he knew what he was doing. "But none of them would compare to you, I bet."

Sonny stood up and walked around the table to sit on the edge of the metal surface, facing Richard with flirty eyes and a forced quirk on his thin lips.

"But those girls and boys – oh they didn't know that. They refused you, didn't they? And you had to show them what they were missing."

"The new guys sure knows how to play these guys back." Fin grinned.

Amanda watched silently, she saw how Sonny flinched and forced himself not to scramble away every time Richard raised a hand or even moved a leg.

Richard placed his hand on Sonny's thigh, the scared look that appeared made Amanda want to pull the young man out of the room.

"You are a smart one." Richard purred.

"But they didn't want to have sex with you, did they? Even after you started, they were too dumb to realise that you just wanted to show them love."

"They consented."

Sonny inwardly growled; he had been caught.

"Your flirting won't make me tell lies my dear." Richard chortled, his eyes sparkled and Sonny wanted to throw up his lunch.

Sonny pulled Richard up out of his seat by his expensive tie and him beside the table. Sonny dropped the tie and let Richard stand behind him as the young detective smoothed his hands over the metal table and leant his body now, his chest hitting the surface softly.

"How did you do it?" Sonny asked innocently, his tone soft and childlike. "How did you rape your victims? Christian said you attacked him in an alley but Jasmin told us you forced her over your fancy desk in your expensive office. You really are messy, you have no clear plan of attack and Goddamn, it was hard to find you."

Sonny placed his hands in front of him, clasped tightly as he spread his legs apart – his breath hitched and his gut feeling started to disappear as fear took over.

"How many young, innocent people did you rape because you couldn't take no for an answer?" Seethed Sonny. "How many young women and men did you force over your desk as they screamed and begged you to stop? Show me _Dick_ , come on; _show me_ – "

Sonny almost yelped when he felt a pressure on his hips – large hands clamped around his hips and pushed him into the table roughly.

That's when Sonny began to panic.

He tried to turn himself around so he could kick the older, larger man off but Richard kept a firm grip on his hips.

Words swam around Sonny's heard, yelling and more arms around him and an arm reaching around his waist and Sonny wanted to scream but he was frozen – frozen like he had been the night Brandon had attacked him 5 years ago.

"I raped that bitch Jasmin and I raped all those other fucking kids." Richard all but screeched. "You're just a slut, you hear me! You all deserve it!"

' _You're just a slut.'_

Sonny felt himself fall to the ground. It seemed to happen in slow motion for him.

"Carisi?" Amanda placed her hand on his shoulder, watching him flinch away scared her, made her protective. "Sonny? Are you okay?"

"It nearly happened again." Sonny mumbled with half-lidded eyes, his body swayed to the side as he tried to stand.

Amanda didn't know what to say, she just followed Sonny out of the room when he ran.

Next to the door was a trashcan and Amanda felt useless as she rubbed the blonde man's back while he threw up. His body racked with what looked like sobs but she couldn't hear a single whimper. It was like Sonny was still trying to stay strong and put up a shield.

"Shhh," Amanda soothed. "I know Hon, I know."

It didn't take a genius to figure out why Sonny freaked out so much, to figure out what he meant by 'it nearly happened again'.

"What the hell happened?"

Amanda looked up and found Nick staring at her and Sonny, concern laced his tanned features and there was understanding in his eyes.

"Well," The two detectives looked back at Sonny who was now kneeling beside the bin, his cheeks flushed and his eyes scattered. "This is awkward."

Nick couldn't muster up a smile and Amanda just rested her head against Sonny's shoulder, hitting him lightly on the head before he threw up again.


	3. Chapter 3

"What the hell happened in there?" Olivia asked with concern and protective anger lacing her tone and defined features.

Amanda had taken – despite protest from Sonny – the younger detective to the spare room where they often rested up if they had to work all-nighters on cases.

Nick glanced at his boss. He wanted so badly to ease his former partner's mind but he knew if he told her about what Carisi had gone through he would lose all trust Carisi had ever placed in him.

"Nick," She said trying to get the younger man's attention. "If you know something – "

"It's not my place to tell you." Nick interrupted apologetically.

"If it endangers a member of my team you need to tell me." Olivia pushed.

She had been scared for the new attention to her team, scared and concerned and also a proud but the look that flashed in Carisi's eyes reminded Olivia of too many people she'd seen during her years working in SVU.

"Sarge – Liv, you know what this is." He said sadly, his features grave and deep. "I can't tell you, it's not my place to."

Olivia nodded, her face fell and her eyes showed her years as she looked at Nick.

"When did it happen?" She asked, fearing it was within the time he had been working for her and she hadn't saved him, hadn't noticed the signs.

"College." Nick answered. "He was 20."

She couldn't have saved him if she tried, Olivia realised, but still….She felt guilty and sad and angry that something so horrible had happened. She had worked over a decade in SVU and yet hearing about these things never got easier.

* * *

"Everyone knows now." The softness of Sonny's voice made him seem younger, more vulnerable.

Amanda looked at him; he sat on the bottom bunk, his legs criss-crossed like a school child, his eyes were shame-filled and his back tense and hunched.

"Knows what hun? That you're a good detective? That you got that hard-ass son-of-a-bitch to confess? No one could have done that. That's the only thing they'll care about, that you did your job."

Sonny didn't seem to register her words in his brain for he only shook his head, un-crossed his legs and pulled at the blanket with twitching hands.

"I'll just be another victim in their eyes." Sonny said. His eyes didn't look like the Carisi Amanda had come to know, they were dark and angry. "I've ruined it here."

"The Sarge was kidnapped and tortured." Amanda crossed the space between her and Sonny, she knelt down in front of the bed and gazed into his eyes. "Nick was hit as kid, Barba too – by their dads. I was sexually assaulted, who knows what Fin's been through. We've all been to hell and back Sonny but that doesn't make us victims; it makes us fighters."

Sonny had never been told anything like that before in his life, he'd never been told he was a fighter. Sonny was always told he could do better, or that he was a failure – never had someone called him strong until Amanda and Nick.

"It wasn't your – "

"Fault?" Sonny had to smile at that. "Don't worry Rollins, I already had Nick and the Counsellor give me that speech."

Amanda laughed as she pushed herself up to a standing position.

"I should probably explain myself to the sarge." Sonny said, his smile slightly forced.

"You don't have to." Amanda comforted. "You can go home and rest, tell her tomorrow."

"I threw up 5 times, I think she deserves an explanation."

"6 times actually."

"You really cheer me up, you know that?"

"I see your humour hasn't left you, smart-ass."

The two detectives smiled at each other warmly.

For the second time, Sonny felt a warmth in his stomach that heated his whole body.

* * *

"Sargent."

Olivia turned around and smiled.

Carisi didn't look as pale as he had before, his eyes had gained some light back in them.

"You alright, kid?" Fin asked.

"I think so." Sonny couldn't help but answer honestly. "But I owe you an explanation sarge." Sonny placed his gaze back onto Olivia.

"You do." She agreed. "We'll go to my office." Her voice was calm and gentle, soft like a mothers would be – Sonny remembered his sisters talking in that tone to him whenever he got into fights at school.

When they reached Benson's office she shut the door, gestured for Sonny to sit – which he did – and Olivia then sat on her desk, facing Sonny.

"I – I'm assuming Nick told you something – he would have to – "

"Nothing more than he thought he should have." Olivia said. "He didn't want to lose your trust."

"He cared that much, uh?" Sonny mumbled humorously.

"Carisi," Olivia smiled slightly, the sort of smile that put anyone at ease. "You were amazing in there today, getting the confession….I'm so sorry you had to be put in that situation, I know how triggering it can be."

"I can handle it."

"Carisi – "

"Look, I can understand if you want me off your team, if you want to ship me off to another precinct. I've got issues, okay? I was raped and I shut everyone out, people hated me and now I crave any sort of validation I can get. I – "

"You're a good detective Carisi, a bit rough around the edges but you have more potential than a lot of other detectives I've seen – and I've worked this gig for a long time." Olivia stood up straight and smiled sadly again, her eyes concerned and proud but also guilty. "I'm so sorry you had to go through what you went through alone, but on this team – we're a family. You have us now Carisi and that won't change unless you want it to."

"If this is out of pity – "

"You're a damn good detective." Olivia interrupted. "I'd be jealous if any other team had you."


End file.
